


When everything's gone, hold on to me

by knightofscarlettstars



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Affection, Canon Compliant, Coping, Crying, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, exercising as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-07
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28607586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightofscarlettstars/pseuds/knightofscarlettstars
Summary: The Questing Blade is gone and Ricky's furious, maybe for the first time in his life. It's hard to be around people when you're that angry, so he's taking to avoiding them.Esther's worried.
Relationships: Ricky Matsui/Esther Sinclair
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	When everything's gone, hold on to me

**Author's Note:**

> Brennan really said no ♥ to giving us a wholesome Esthericky hurt/comfort scene after the Holland Tunnel battle. So, I wrote this for myself and for everyone else who was as disappointed about that as I am.

It was a grey day; incredibly appropriate, Esther thought. Clouds hung low and heavy over New York, meaning her and Ricky’s apartment was darker than normal. The walls peppered with windows relied on the sun to light up the place. There were lights, but neither wanted them on. So they sat in a dim apartment. 

There was an odd sort of comfort to having him here. His presence was always a blessing, but these days he was gone so often, working out and exhausting his anger so he was calm when he came home. She missed him terribly, but her problems weren’t the important ones right now. When he was there, she tried to keep him distracted. 

“Yeah, it just feels great. It's like so much work, it's going so, so, so well, I can't believe all the stuff that the Order had their hands on! Like, they have so much more data than we have because their monks have been _out there_ looking at stuff. And you combine that data with the Society's analysis. This is going to be a golden age of magic. This is going to be crazy!”

He seemed to enjoy her ramblings, to some small degree. Even if he couldn’t quite wrap his head around them, it gave him something to think about besides Cody. She knew that was all his mind dwelled on otherwise. 

He stayed out longer and longer each time, and she would sit in the silent apartment, alone. Sitting at her desk or on the couch, reading or working, while feeling like someone had cast _chill touch_ on her heart. He would come home calmer, a little happier. But he’d roll away in bed at night and she’d look at the back of his head, feeling the horrible weight in her chest that came from utter helplessness. 

Some days he’d bring it up himself, days he needed to talk about it. One day he brought out a sword that he had gotten from Cody, who had gotten it from Iga, and asked her to _Identify_ it for him. 

When the glowing blue readings came back, she felt like she’d been punched in the stomach and for the first time in her life, she resented magic’s power. 

“Um.. uh, Ricky, I uh... so the sword is connected to sort of humility as a concept. It's literally called, like, the Peasant’s Sword. It does have more powers that kind of unlock when you are like, crazy humble. Like when you're an amount of humble that's too humble. You have to be too… It's almost not even worth it. It's a good magic sword. I think you should just probably use it just to be like a magic sword.”

He reacted just as she knew he would. She watched his face twist in anger and misery, then quickly covered up by a blank look and a tense nod. He shuffled his feet and she watched him sweep some charcoal sketches he’d done of the Questing Blade under the couch. Three years together and he still hadn’t learned that he can’t sneak anything by her. 

“Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm going to go to Central Park and sort of monkey bar across the trees the whole way from the park.”

She could see the obvious tension as he stood up and walked out the door without another word. She watched him go, making no move to stop him, her whole body feeling hollow and empty. The door shut with force, rattling the walls. Swallowing hard, Esther tore her eyes from the closed door after a minute and reached under the couch, gently picking up the charcoal sketches. 

Most of them were just of the Questing Blade, as it had been with him. The silvery, gleaming fireman’s axe. Some were of him holding it, smiling or leaping from rooftop to rooftop. Every drawing was better than the last. Finally, she reached one that was different and her breathing caught in her throat. It was of Ricky, holding the questing blade aloft, surrounded by monochromatic flames, with the unconscious form of Esther herself slumped against his chest. 

She knew this moment. The drawing itself wasn’t perfect, but she would never forget that day. He had pulled her, semi-conscious, out of the burning Clinton Hill Chantry, newly-chosen by the Questing Blade and wielding his new power flawlessly to save her and the other wizards. 

She hoped he wouldn’t notice the wet splashes on the page. 

Placing the drawings in a drawer, she headed to her desk. Just because she felt like icy fingers were gripping her heart didn’t mean she couldn’t still get work done. She’d worked under tougher conditions. 

She ignored how much her hand shook as she brought it to the paper. It wasn’t until her normal printing started to look like cursive that she pulled out her laptop. She wrote emails, she wrote papers, she texted her mom questions, she sent JJ some instructions, and reached out to Sofia about some specific books. She tried to push away dark thoughts, tried not to listen desperately for the sound of the door opening. 

Two hours later, it started to rain. 

Like every room in the house, her office was covered with windows. So she watched the first drops start to plummet from the sky and plunge toward the ground below. The drops became larger and she could hear them pounding on every window. 

The house was even darker now. 

When she ran out of itineraries to write, she pulled out one of her favourite books and went out to the living room. The couch seemed far too big and empty, the bed even more so. So she curled up in an armchair by the clock window and tried to bury herself in magical laws and arcane reactions. 

Minutes dragged into hours. She found herself rereading passages over and over because her brain wouldn’t focus. All she could hear was the rain pounding on the windows, the cars screeching outside. All she could see was Ricky storming away, kicking the drawings, the hard glint of anger and pain in his eyes when he first told her what had happened. 

She pulled out her phone to check the time and let out a shaky breath. He’d been gone for five hours. She typed out a text to him and hesitated for a few seconds, before deciding there was no harm in it. 

_Today: 6:42pm_

_Hey, just checking in to make sure you’re okay_  
_Let me know when you’ll be home and I can make some food  
_ _I love you_

It was evening now, and Esther could barely see the book in front of her. Reluctantly, she flicked her wrist and a _light_ spell illuminated her bat. She walked over and grabbed it from beside the couch. Reading by the harsh, silvery light much preferable to turning on any other. Still, her brain took in nothing, crushed by the weight of fear. 

Finally, she heard the sound of a key going into the lock and she leapt to her feet, hearing the chair slide back a few inches. She made her way through the dark apartment as a figure slipped in through the door. She stopped in her tracks, the _light_ on her bat immediately extinguishing. 

He was sopping wet. He had gone out in only a t-shirt and sweatpants, both of which were soaked through, along with his hair. She could hear his heavy breathing and, even from several feet away, she could see his whole body trembling. 

She realized in that moment that he hadn’t stopped moving since he’d left here, seven hours ago. 

His legs gave out and he sank down, sliding down the door until he was on the ground, burying his head in his hands. Esther’s bat clattered to the floor and she all but ran to him. She dropped to her knees, unsure whether or not to touch him. He lifted his head and looked up at her, his face wet with tears and rain. He reached out, almost pitifully, and Esther’s heart just shattered. She shifted forward and gripped him in a tight hug, feeling his trembling arms come around her. She held him, rocking him back and forth as the sobs came, feeling every broken shudder. Her clothes were as wet as his within minutes, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. She pressed her nose into his dripping hair, feeling hot tears run down her own cheeks. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

There was nothing she could do and she knew it. But she also knew he needed to hear it. Needed someone to apologize for this cruel twist of fate the universe had thrown at him. It was so, so unfair, and even though no one except Cody could do anything to fix it, what she could do was hold him in this moment and tell him how sorry she was. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

There was nothing else she could say. 

Eventually, he took several gasping breaths, the flow of his tears easing off. She didn't let go of him though, kept him gripped against her, kept her nose pressed into his hair. He was still trembling, but doing his best to hold her too. 

“Esther,” he whispered. 

His voice was hoarse, dry and quiet, like his throat had been torn up. 

“Yes, love?” she whispered back, running her fingers through his hair and soaking them. 

He shivered as the dislodged drops of water ran down his neck, and she gripped him tighter. 

“I… I love you,” he whispered, every word ripped raw from his throat. 

Her heart put itself back together, but it ached for him. She pressed a gentle kiss into his hair, rubbing her hand in slow circles on his back. 

“I love you too, Ricky. So, so much. You’re perfect, no matter what weapon you have. You’re perfect and you’re worth everything and I love you,” she whispered to him, fighting back tears again. 

He didn’t have the years of suppressing emotions under his belt that she had, so he let out a choked sob. She held him and rocked him, whispering something that was also nothing. Just her voice, something good, something. 

She didn’t know how long they sat there on the ground, and she didn’t much care. She didn’t grow sore or tired, she had no thought of getting up. She just sat, for as long as she needed to. 

Eventually, he pulled away and scrubbed the tears off his face, sniffling slightly. Esther ran a hand through his hair and brushed a tear away with her thumb. 

“Do you wanna go take a shower while I make some food?” she asked softly. 

He nodded, not meeting her eyes as he tried to push himself to his feet. She caught him when his knees buckled and helped him up, holding him tighter than she probably needed to. He took several shaky breaths, squeezing her hand, before limping off to take a warm shower. Having him out of the room in such an unstable state unnerved her, but she could hear the water running, hear him dropping the soap, hear the sounds of drawers opening, and she was comforted. 

She pulled out some food and started to make dinner, just something easy that wouldn’t take too long. As she was plating it, warm arms came around her from behind and pulled her back against a firm chest. She relaxed into him, closing her eyes and letting the warmth and the smell of shampoo surround her. He brushed his lips across the exposed skin of her shoulder and she hummed softly. 

“You hungry?” she asked, tucking her head around to touch her nose to his. 

He hummed a soft, affirmative noise and released her, clearly too tired to talk much. Part of her lamented the loss of warmth and contact, but she ignored it. They sat on the couch to eat, neither wanting to go through the hassle of setting the table. She kept her calf pressed against him the whole time, watching him attentively as they sat in silence. The food was finished quickly and Esther _mage hand_ ed the dishes into the sink, to be done tomorrow. 

“I think I’m gonna go to bed,” Ricky murmured, his voice barely audible. 

Esther nodded at him, a soft smile on her face. It was far too early for her to go to bed, she knew she wouldn’t get to sleep for hours if she did.

“Do you want company?”

He shrugged and got up to walk away, but she could feel every fibre of him begging her to follow. Sending a _mage hand_ to snatch up her book from the armchair, she turned out the lights with a flick of her wrist and followed him to bed. 

He got ready to sleep as fast as his exhaustion would permit, and eventually curled up beside Esther. Despite him often being able to sleep with lights on, she felt that he needed her attention tonight, so she put her book away and turned out her bedside lamp. 

And tonight he didn’t roll away. He shifted towards her and pulled her in for a soft kiss. It was careful and gentle, wanting nothing but to be loved and held as he fell asleep. She tucked closer to him and smiled, feeling his trembling muscles go still as he drifted off.

That was all she wanted too.


End file.
